Yeah, that was about 3 minutes ago you fish stick eating dumb-dumb.
Sauces are the bane of my fasionable existence. Just ask anyone that's ever seen me eat a hamurger. It's as though two of the things I like most in the world, being clothed and flavour, refuse to live together peacefully.
The solution is obviously one of the following two ideas:
1) Eating only in the nude
2) Removing all sauces from my diet
Since I could never part from my beloved mustard, keptchup, wide assortment of gravies and yes, even mayonaise, I am left with little choice but to begin a program of sexy naked eating which is sure to offend more than a few people at my local neighbourhood McDonalds.
Keep on Trangling,
Anthony
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73 comments:
I feel your saucy pain, my friend. I cannot get my sauces and clothes to peacefully coexist either. I could be wearing a plastic bid while hanging upside down and I still manage to get the delicious sauces on my person. The only good thing about it is that when you get hungry a little later you can simply suck on your shirt/pants until you get to a point where you may locate and obtain sustenance. Perhaps this "nude dining" is something I should take into consideration. However, it will be much harder to convince people that I'm trying to "clean the stain" when the sucking commences.
I thought you you with your contant references to your enjoyment of pie, may suffer from a similar affliction as me, pie being a very messy food. I must say I too have tasted a soiled shirt late in the evening when hunger begins to set in. As for the naked sucking, that is both hillarious and shudderingly disturbing.
i think it's a guy thing. i can handle "sauces" per se, it's gravy that is out to get me. or get on me.
i can only hope that when the 2 of you start your nudie dining that you'll combine your talents to make a photo blog for us. You could post as "Buck Naked".
i'm not opposed to nude dining, but i do have the habit of using my shirt as a napkin .. so, nude dining would change a long-lasting habit.
if you spoon your condiments like i spoon my peanut butter, then, somehow, i don't think you'll get the same kinda mess on your shirt. but a mouthful of mustard or horseradish sauce just wouldn't be too pleasant to swallow.
you spill tarter sauce on yourself because its made with mayo...mayo is evil..the word of the devil!
Yes loz, I agree, it's a guy thing. It does take a certain amount of training and coordination to be able to handle condiments.
lilred - mayo is evil??? But...I worship at the shrine of the Hellman's jar. I had no idea I was satanic.
Nam - I love to spoon with my condiments. But I always have to be the big spoon.
Mayonaisse is awesome.
If Anthony gets to be Buck Naked then I get to be Fleshy McPantsless.
Have you consider the scalding risk? Don't forget, many of those juices can be hot, hot, hot!
Instead, I would recommend wearing a rain poncho over your clothes.
Loz- Last week you were satified with "ancle," you need pictures of me completely naked AND eating?
Nam- See what Nick said. He beat me to the punch.
Lilred- I would obviously, being a Canadian, defend mayo to the death. Not that I would ever put it on my fries, that's gross.
Brooke- I once started a religion where a small prop umbrella was God and I was the Umbrella's prophet. No Joke. All that while going to Catholic highschool. Let's just say me and my fellow Umbreallaists got more than a few nasty looks.
Fleshy- Way to wake up at a reasonable hour and beat me to the spooinging joke.
Milfy- Why are mothers always pointing out gaping holes in my logic? You know what, just to spite you all I AM going to eat naked, and it's going to be INCREDIBLY hot soup.
I think eating naked, other than a bright pink poncho, will scare annoying waiters and waitresses into leaving me be. Also, my family.
Sorry about getting up so early, Anthony. I can't believe my employers would actually have the nerve to expect me to be somewhere at 8am. Screw them. If you want you can delete my comment and make your own. I would totally understand and we could blackmail all your other commenters into keeping their filthy traps shut.
I just realized I typed "spooinging." That should be a real word. Quick someone make up a definition! Oh, and Nick, check out the comments on the post before this one, I appointed you to my Blog's Cabinet. Well actually the Governor General appointed you to Her Majesty's Blog's Cabinet, but you get the idea.
Eating only nude is the only option.
Her Majesty's Honourable Misinter of Early Morning Question Answering says:
I have a bad habit of thinking that I own everything in the world. You can ask my online friends as well as offline friends. I try to assume command of all their comments sections (much top thier dismay. Outside of The Matrix, if I go into a store and I can't find someone to help I'll just walk into the back of the store, even if it's clearly marked 'Employees Only' or I if I go into a hardware store and I'm trying to match a product that I brought with me as an example, I'll open things until I find the one I want. I'm strange like that.
spooinging: the act of sucking the sauces and other foodstuffs off of one's clothing. Usually pertains to the male of the human species, or the very developmentally delayed.
I love it. Brooke you're a genius!
First off, condiments are a food group in and of them self and we all know the importance of maintaining a balanced diet.
Secondly, the human body is a thing of wonder and beauty and is only made better by the addition of sauces so there is nothing to be ashamed of in either nude dining or the spillage of sauces (internal or external) during a meal.
Thirdly, anyone who tells you it's dirty just isn't in touch with themselves or their lunch. Go gurlfriend! Drop those pants and drink your man soup!
condiments and spices are 0 points according to weight watchers so ....spoog away boys..
For every cheesecake kirsty alley doesn't eat, I will eat two
that's alotta cheesecake!
Now, Buck & Fleshy, make with the photos!
oh anthony, shes with jenny craig. but I applaud your liking of cheesecake..your earning some cool points back that you lost from the mayo incident.
Time for some proper replies:
g.d.- Does the naked eating option apply to you too?
Nick- nothing wrong with being assertive. Look what it got you, a cushy Cabinet Post.
The Cap'n- Girlpower? Why not. Off go the pants.
loz- I'm fairly certain you'd never want to see me eating (or naked)
lilred- jenny craig, weight watchers, it's all the same to me. Mmm points.
yes, all weight loss programs are the same. soul destroying, spirit crushing tools of satan.
Her Majesty's Honourable Misinter of Early Morning Question Answering says:
Kirsty Alley is from Wichita! Take that everyone!
shut up nick! liar! I wanna see proof.
eating only in the nude. if yoko can go nude, then you can do it too.
Loz- I'd form an opinion on the topic, but I'm at the stage in one's life when eating does not corelate to gaining weight. It will all catch up to me in my 30s and 40s though, if my parents are any indication. You can be Her Majesty's Honourable Minister of Ancles and Football (Rugby). Or if you'd prefer you can be Anthony's Blog of Wonder's Ambasador to Australia.
Hon. Minister of Early Morning Question Answering- Every city gets one thing. That's Wichita's one thing. Cambridge was the home of the inventors of IMAX.
lilred- that is a bit angry. You can be Her Majesty's Honourable Minister of Angry Irish Women
Adria- I must have told you my personal motto "To Yoko is divine." You can choose, you can either be the Governor General because you're bilingual, or you can be Her Majesty's Honourable Minister of Vampires and References to Pop Culture (not that Yoko was vampire... well kinda)
Damn. IMAX is so much cooler than Kirsty Alley.
Double Damn. Everyone is copping cushy cabinet jobs. damnable alliteration. I will overthrow this government and eventually take over the world.
Nick, how would you like to add Deputy Prime Minister to your Cabinet Posts? Huh? huh?
Too late Nice! I've already started on my plan to be in charge of the world. Already written out step one on my blog and it's been approved by the masses!
too late Nick. So much for spelling.
I want to be in charge of blueberry pancakes and chocolate chip cookies. Is that post taken already?
"Kirstie Alley: date of birth, 12 January 1951; location, Wichita, Kansas, USA
Of course that Nick would both know this and be proud of a fat Scientologist springing forth from Wichita's ample loins is a bit disconcerting.
More important than that is the fact the she was on Cheers. And then Veronica's Closet, a fine show in its own right.
Anthony - That will do nicely.
Also, I second that ubermilf be in charge of blueberry pancakes and cookies, but only if she is in charge of pies, too.
cat stickers?
Are they like pot stickers? Cause pot stickers are yummy.
Nick- as any Canadian would know, Cabinet members never publically question the decisions of the Prime Minister, and for that I was just taunting you with the Deputy Prime Ministership. TAKE THAT. So I drank a bit and started giving away Cabinet posts left right and centre. In Bobby Brown's words that's "my perrogative"
Brooke- You shall be Minister of World Domination. Also, spelling is the devil.
Ubie- On the advice of the Minister of EMQS you shall be the Minister of Blueberry Pancakes, Chocolate Chip Cookies and PIE.
Jess- I like both the ideas. Bibs are very practical but I think I prefer the Pollock Shirts. How arty.
Anthony you tease. I think that may be the only time in the history of everything that someone has used the phrasr "In Bobby Brown's words..." It's usually something a little less mainstream like "in Emilt Dickinson's words" or "in President McKinley's words". Well played, sir.
Pollack shirts, huh? Does that mean our shirts are going to study under Thomas Hart Bentonm change their styles with the weather and then eventually die in a car crash? Cause that would be totally awesome.
To answer your question reagrding pot stickers, Brooke - thusly fulfilling my titular role - No, they are not like pot stickers. I, of course, have not idea what pot stickers are, but they sound just dreadful.
Ubie, your first duty as Ministress of pies will be to fix me one, preferably with spinach, cheese & bacon. And by pie I mean omlette.
Pot stickers are fabulous, and stop talking about my tits.
anthony - why can't i be both? I don't see a conflict of interest in being both Her Majesty's Honourable Minister of Ancles and Football (Rugby), and Anthony's Blog of Wonder's Ambassador to Australia. I mean, I can handle the consular duties - we just did it for you in Cambodia.
i have to go and start ordering my special official letterheads to use while in office.
Loz- Thanks for that save in Cambodia. I appreciate it. Any time you need help in one of the 20 countries Australia doesn't have an Embassy but Canada does, you can count on us. International treaties at work! If you really want both posts you can. I don't really see any reason why you can't.
Also: Poop.
You just read naked lunch??
hillarity ensued
Wasn't Nick just bragging about Chinese food on his blog? And he doesn't know what pot stickers, the most scrumptious appetizer on the standard Chinese menu, are? For shame! Your punishment is to live a year in Omaha.
Clearly Ubermilf is still drunk. Everyone knows that Crab Rangoon are the finest appetizers on any menu, anywhere.
I should really post something new one of these days...
Take your time. We're not in any hurry.
well in that case, see you in october.
I am not drunk. I'm a lot nicer when I'm drunk.
Antonio, are you competing in the idol competition? My couch is still open.
Ubie- Unfortunately I will not be competing to be the Downers Grove Idol. My manager called it "a long drive for small beans." I respectfully disagreed, but alas, she is the decision maker.
Did you mention the blueberry pancakes? With a choice of maple or blueberry syrup? With melty butter dripping down the sides?
if you don't start posting something new i'm going to kick your arse.
Her Majesty's Honourable Misinter of Early Morning Question Answering says:
A threat against our blogging host, loz? I expected better form you. Guards! Take her away.
Ubermilf - I'm not sure how you could possibly be any nicer. Or prettier. By the way, did I mention my birthday is July 29th and I love pie?
I wonder, if I ate blueberry pancakes with blueberry syrup, could I pull a Violet Beauregarde. Cause that would be rad.
I threaten only as part of my duties as Ambassador to Australia. My countrymen are demanding something new to read, diplomatic relations are becoming strained, they're calling for blood.
Now, what in the name of arse is blueberry syrup? It sounds like it could induce diabetes.
You're familiar with maple syrup? Well it's like that except made from blueberries, instead of maple. And it most definitely could induce a diabetic coma.
Ubie- I did. I pleaded. Then my manager agreed to make me blueberry pancakes. I don't think I've ever had blueberry syrup, but I don't think any respectable Canadian would choose anything other than pure Maple.
Loz- Why are Australians always opening themselves up to Booting jokes from the Simpsons. Oh, and I'll post when I'm good and ready. I'm tres busy with about a billion things to get back into school next year, and work is kinda crazy now.
Nick- You're doing your Job incredibly well. It is time for a promotion, Deputy Prime Minister. You can be Violet Beauregarde if I can be Veruca Salt (not the Band) and throw a tantrum.
You look more like Mike TeeVee, Antonio.
"Dad, can I have a gun?"
"Not 'til you're twelve, son."
Sorry, it must have been my jealousy at this 59 comments long comment-saga rearing its ugly head. I've never gotten more than 22. Woe is me.
I think it has more than a little to do with not posting anything new in a week. Also you can't beat naked eating. Oh and probably 30 of the comments are mine.
I have the odd urge to squirt someone with seltzer and throw cream pies.
Well you can squirt and pie me if you like, but unless you're willing to come here and do it, it will have to be imaginary blog squirt and pieing.
I also volunteer, but you have to dress like a clown. A sexy clown.
I'm working on the sexy clown thing.
Cha-ching!
Remember that time when Anthony didn't post for a week and all the comments were reduced to one line and Nick was bored so he typed ridiculous comments for no reason?
i DO remember that!
67.
what the shit tony, how long can this post go on?
me needs more bloggy
i mean, my blog reading has been drastically reduced. for example, every time i try to go to the sac, all i get is this pop up streaming video loop of nick giving me the finger.
alas- new post, STAT!
Yeah, ya lazy bastard! Or you should rename this "Anthony's Blog of Wonder How Long People Will Put Up With This Crap?"
Fine
huh, im gone for a few days, same blog, but not ubermilf changed your name?? and how am i an evil irishwoman??i am so confused..
I thought I called you angry, not evil.
Take your pick.
I took it down Adria, you can return now.
Anthony - Ignore these ladies and post whnever you dsesire. I am having a perectly fun time picking on them and what not.
74st!
75nd
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