My mind is filled with thoughts, mostly of the depressed variety, and I've got to let them loose in a sort of metal diarrhea I know is the only cure for my insomnia and I hope will eventually lead to some progress in the field of my incessant unhappiness.
To begin, while I haven't been severely depressed since June 2004, I've been depressed at some constant level since October or November 2003. Before that, I was depressed for pretty much all of 2002, and several shorter periods all the way back to pre-adolescence. As I near the two year anniversary of this permanent funk, I'm starting to feel an increase in depressive thoughts and feelings and I believe I am sliding back into the darkness that nearly kept me.
I am currently enrolled in a study skills course that I was required to take as a condition of returning to University. It's being run by York University counselors that I guess thought it would be usefull to slide a depression test into the 30 or so other tests we filled out on the first two days. Apparently I failed, with flying colours. Wednesday, one of the counselors pulled me aside and told me that my results on this specific depression test suggested I was very depressed and should make an appointment to see her.
I told her I had it under control (a lie), that I was already seeing a doctor (a lie), and that I was on medication (a lie; although in the spring and summer of 04 I tried two different meds). To make it all worse, this specific counselor, who seemed so concerned about me, didn't remember me at all from the spring of 2004 when I had a horrible anxiety attack at the thought of killing myself and finally decided to seek help, although I made no attempt to remind her of the past (could possibly be considered a lie).
This recent event can only help to remind me that not all is well and that things will only continue to get worse unless I start admitting to myself that there is a problem. I am becoming increasingly self-isolated, I am returning to spending money to fill the void, and I feel my physical health beginning to degrade from lack of maintenance.
It's clear to me that I need to make some changes.
Whatever the causes of my previous bouts with depression, it has become fairly obvious to me that there are several main issues that I continually return to.
- Compared to my friends following a similar path, I am far behind, at least on the educational scale. While others are in their third, and some in their fourth, year of university, I am stuck finishing up my first, and if I'm lucky I'll get a chance to etch away at the second soon.
- Compared to other people my age I feel I am unsuccessful. On this one I can fight back against myself. Success at 21 is rare and difficult to measure. I do feel though that I am inexperienced and immature compared to my peers
- Life seems to be leaving me behind. While everyone else around me is growing older and moving up and on in life I feel like I'm stuck. Stuck in a mediocre program at a mid-level school, stuck making only slightly more than minimum wage in a terrible position. Stuck living like a child on the good graces of my parents. It feels like every year someone is putting an extra candle on my birthday cake, but I'm not growing up, and 22 candles is going to be a lot for a 5 year old to blow out.
- I can't figure out a purpose. I can't think of anything to do with my life. Sure there are lots of things I could settle with. I could settle for being a teacher, but I am beginning to doubt my ability to complete university. Without an education what am I supposed to do? I know I'm smarter and more talented than most people, but in today's world, without a degree, I may as well be Osama Bin Laden.
- I lack a spiritual direction. I can't figure out any reason for life in this shitbox of a world we're destroying anyways. More personally, without happiness, success or a spiritual obligation, I am once again beginning to question the necessity of my existence. My consciousness budget has run into the red, and the Bill Collector is calling me regularly.
Last spring I continually hoped that I'd fall into a semi-conscious state and be placed in a hospital. Since then I've been a bit more optimistic. I've considered running away to a new life. Starting over again in a setting that is less materialistic and more spiritual. Maybe a commune or a monastery. Who knows, it might just work. What I do know is that life as it is just isn't working for me and I need a change, a big one, soon.
Keep on Tranglin,
Anthony
11 comments:
Everyday I tell myself that all my problems would go away if I could just win the lottery. That the being broke and lonely and depressed would somehow dissipate with the joys that money brings. Sometimes I tell it to myself so vigorously that I believe it.
I tell you now that, if I did, I would give you the winning ticket with the hope that it could do for you, what I sometimes convince myself it would do for me.
i wish i had an answer for you - something helpful or encouraging to say, but i have no idea what that would be.
all i can say is that in my personal experience you can't run away from the things making you feel this way. they'll just follow you, and become worse because you're all alone. but that's just me.
Anthony all i have to say that you are one of the best people that anyone can know, your kind and caring, and you have a mind that everyone want to know about. take your blog for an example if you dont blog for more than a week the people on here go nuts with antisapation of what your going to say next.
All you have to do is live life and hope for the best, and not worrie about whats around the corner.
Tim
Anthony, I love you and need you. You are an important part of this world and my world.
If you ever need to run away, Peterborough is just two busses away and I do have a couch that pulls out into a bed AND I make great French Toast for breakfest. Even if you want to come tonight!
duuude. i'm in the same boat at york. my room-mate from t.o is a year younger than me and is graduating this year whereas i haven't even officially finished my second year. so even though i'm starting there again, i'll be 25 before i graduate. 25. my older sister isn't even 25 and she has a good job, a house, 2 cars and a marriage. it's so hard to guage personal success based on the successes of others. you just have to do things your own way.
also nick, i'd be all over you if you had a winning lottery ticket.
k- maybe without the ticket too
(uhhhh....did i just type that out loud)
plus i think college education is overrated. at least here, it is.
Anthony, I think I've told you before that life sucks for a lot of people at your point in life. Is college the only path for you? School is really more about following rules than being smart. It seems to rub you the wrong way.
Dilf never finished college, but he had photography skills that translated into an opening in the advertising world. Do you have something like that that could get your foot in the door somewhere? Because while a degree seems important at your age, it's gradually replaced by proven abilities and skills.
You are so much fun and so charming; the world needs more people like you, not less. I wish you didn't feel behind, although I understand why you feel that way. You never know how life will turn out for you or for those people who seem to be going strong right now.
you are saying a lot of things i've felt. age, it makes a difference. i have beaten myself up so many times over the fact that people younger than me sometimes teach my classes. jesus.
one thing you have got going for you: you know that what you're feeling isn't normal, isn't what life should feel like. now given that, now what?
how i wish i could tell you something profound, take away what so many of us wrestle with in one way or another.
there is nothing wrong with living with your family. i had to go home, when my big crash came. i had to go home, as i could no longer take care of or trust myself. no, it wasn't fun, and it didn't do anything for my social life, and yes it stings to be an adult and see yourself as a child but! those people, hopefully, they know and love you. you can use them for support when you aren't feeling strong enough yourself.
i've been there. empathy.
Seriously, I can totally empathise with how you feel as I've had some very, very similar experiences myself. It will get better and you're a well liked and well respected guy. The world can look like it's going to shit sometimes but the way I look at it is it's up to sensible and caring people like us lot to help make a difference.
I dropped out of college because I couldn't take it and went back to live with my parents. But it all worked out really well in the end. Stick it out as it'll come good.
Stop comparing yourself to others right now. Everyone lives life at their own pace. I graduated from college just this past May - at 39. I dropped out of college when I was 18 because I was getting lousy grades and felt it was ridiculous to continue at that point in my life. I wound up going to culinary school - partly because I had a talent for cooking - but in reality the reason I went was because I didn't know what else to do with myself. It turned out to be a smart career move, but I've now left that career.
I go through these bouts too - I'm 40, single, no kids, and I've only just found my niche in life. I come down on myself for taking so long to find myself. Guess what? There is no law that says you must graduate at 21 and start your career. And there is no law that says the career you have in your 20's is the career you will have forever. We all need to find our own path - what others do is fine for them but not for you.
Concentrate on YOU - we know how funny and talented you are - and we don't even know you personally. I know that there is so much more to you than you realize.
I'm rambling and I'm sorry. Just know that the rest of your life does not have to be decided right now.
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