DEAR EVERYONE: I'm live-tweeting the Olympics.

Yes folks, you read that correctly. For the next two and a half weeks, or until whenever it is that I get bored, or distracted or forget about it, I'll be live-tweeting various Olympic events. I started last night (and continued into this morning) with the Opening Ceremonies.

You can keep up with me on twitter or on my facebook profile.

If the constant updating annoys you, I suggest you either unfollow/unfriend me or find something to distract me from my duty.

Since I'm unemployed and have no social life, I'll be online pretty much all the time, so if you want to chat I'll be on Facebook and Twitter simultaneously. Drop me a line, we can be cynical jerks who make fun of people who care about things like like "hard work" and "dedication".

Last night's Olympic Cauldron malfunction, and it's indoor setting, reminded me of the various dangers of fire. I feel it wise to re-post my Fire ACTION! plan:

• Don't have no fires.
• If you have fires, keep them in a garbage can (make sure the garbage can isn't made of fancy wood).
• If your fires are in a wood garbage can, put the can in the bath, but not if the bath tub is flammable. Check with your bath tub manufacturer for the flammability rating of your home's bath tub.
• Always keep a working fire extinguisher in a conspicuous place. By fire extinguisher I don't mean an illegal immigrant with a bucket of water waiting in your pantry at all hours, ready to leap out at the first sign of ignition. Not all fires can be doused with water, so this is very important.
• Keep your George Foreman Grill away from curtains and out of reach of any children who might be playing with cooking oil.
• If you smoke, don't do it in your bed unless you just did it, cause that is what they do in movies.
• Always have a working smoke detector. Like your fire extinguisher, you shouldn't use an illegal immigrant to do this job. He might fall asleep.
• When your smoke detector goes off or at the first sign of smoke, spark or flame make sure to clear all the illegal immigrants out of your house. You don't want their dead bodies linked to you in any sort of investigation or tribunal.
• Fire can be your friend but you must respect it. It's kind of like a kid with a learning disability. It can be lots of fun, but you should probably be careful around it because it is very unpredictable and doesn't know what it is doing and might hurt you or give you a disease.