My first of probably one blog entry. I blame Dianna wholly for getting me into this whole blogging nonsense. She tried to convince me to begin blogging many moons ago, but I've refused until now. I broke down partially because I'm incredibly bored, partially because I feel like I have no one to talk to, or at least that I don't want to bother the people I can talk to because they have their own problems.
For those of you that may be really confused (if there are any yous reading this) a blog is a web log, or a journal. It's kind a like a diary (not a dairy) that is available to anyone to read (if they wish to do so). So on with all that is me. Where shall I begin? Well how about here: I'm a wreck! If I haven't told you yet, I'm not doing so great. For about three months now, maybe four, I've been really depressed, and for about a month and a half of that I've been taking an anti-depressant (effexor) to try to ease my pain, if you will. Well until about two weeks ago I really though that the meds were helping, and that the craptastic side effects were going away but I'm beginning to realize that I'm just as depressed as ever and that my mysterious "insomnia" is really just a side effect of the pills. If you're wondering what I'm depressed about, I'll give you the same answer I gave my parents, "everything and nothing at all." There is no real reason for clinical depression, it's caused by a lack of serotonin in the brain which basically takes the pleasure out of all things in life. Just about anything can cause depression, in fact depression can happen out of the blue with nothing at all to "bring it on" so to speak.
I wont say for a minute though that I'm suffering from mystery depression with no cause and nothing to keep me this way. I got issues, and if it weren't for the fact that I'm 20, they'd be teen issues, in fact I could probably be a bad play at the sears drama festival, except I'd never write a bad play. Here's my crazy list of "next-generation" issues (reader's digest version):
-My Dad is basically dying, I really only came to terms today with the fact that my father could very well die (to anonymous: your comment about him being dead helped, despite another's displeasure with it)... Teenage Immortality Syndrome seems to extend to the family as well. Well he just had an angiogram to find out what is wrong with his heart (he's had heart problems for about a year now) and it turns out that the main artery that supplies blood to his heart is 95% blocked. He is going to need by-pass surgery. He could have a heart attack at any time really. Walking up a flight of stairs could kill my father. I will honestly admit that there is probably no person on earth that I've expressed more hatred for than my father, but this whole thing scares the shit out of me. I wish I could go back to denial.Also an issue, but much less on my mind is the fact that my father has been ordered by his doctor to stay home from work indefinitely. My family is certainly not rich, really we're quite the opposite of rich. With my education, and my sister's newlywed leaching, my parents are barely surviving financially. If he isn't working again by the time his insurance runs out, we could be in trouble.
- My aunt (father's sister) has colon cancer. Any regular aunt and I'd be upset, but ok. But this aunt probably spent as much time raising me in my first 4 years as my own parents. She is more of a grand parent than an aunt, (partially because I have no grand parents on that side of the family, and because she is old enough to be my grand mother). I think she's going to be ok, but I was really worried for a while. I freaked out on my mother for not telling me right away. I've been freaking out a bit more than usual lately. Oh well. Part of why this is so hard is because her husband died last year. He was the first person that I loved to die. I didn't so much not handle it well as not handle it at all. I couldn't go to the hospital to visit him and the full impact of his death didn't really hit me until last week when I found a newspaper clipping in my old bedroom of a picture of him holding me in his arms in a strawberry field when I was two. I started to cry almost as soon as I saw it and went on for a good half hour or so. I was incredibly lucky to go almost 19 years without losing a loved one, but now I have no idea how to handle death, or the prospect of it, when it seems to be banging rather loudly at my family's door.
- I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself (in life that is). I seem to have decided to be a teacher, but I still don't really know if that is really what I want to do. I don't want to think about career right now. Basically nothing changed at all, first I was going to go to UoT, then I was going to go to Humber to take comedy, then I was going to leave Glendon but stay at York and now I'm staying at Glendon. Here we go, Patrick is really the only person other than my parents that knows this actually. It's probably been the hardest thing to admit, I don't know why, its a bit trivial, but I was granted deferred standing on my written course work for the semester. It's true that my marks have been good, but if I didn't have extensions on all of my final course work, I probably would have failed all my courses this term. I just couldn't handle it anymore, and I think that that is the most humiliating thing of all. Much worse than admitting I am seriously depressed or that I am taking medication to improve my mood. I've never really taken pride in getting good marks before, but I was really quite proud of how well I did this year. Considering your marks are supposed to drop from high school to university and mine rose from mediocre to excellent, I think that pride was justified. But then it all fell apart with just a couple of weeks to go. I really wish I could have held it together. In all honesty, if I could have, I wouldn't be going back to Glendon next year, I'd be at the main campus, but because my marks are being entered late, I have no choice.
- I feel incredibly lonely, pretty much all the time, even when I'm with people I love. Please if you're reading this, don't equate lonely with horny, I don't require maturity to read this, but please realize that there is a difference between horny and lonely and that the two have very different cures. I've been searching for "Mrs. Right," if you will, for a long time, but I seem to have such high standards that I've been unable to find someone that I feel I could build a meaningful long-term relationship with. Quite honestly I feel I'm old enough that I'm starting to feel as though there is no reason to "date" someone unless there is the chance of a long term commitment (not that I haven't had my fair share of "first-year-flings", but that is a lot different than what I'm trying to get at.) It's not that I want to get married and move to the suburbs, it's just that I would like to find someone with whom I feel an emotional connection with as well as a physical and social connection. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'd really like to have a meaningful relationship with someone I really love, but maybe my standards are so high that I'm missing out on handfuls of potential soul mates. Maybe the answer is dating more, not less (if that is even possible). Oh lord, an answer please, or at least just a sign.
- No names, not even hints, but there are people in my life (ok I'm cheating, one of them is my father) that are having hard times of their own. I know it, I can see their pain. I want more than anything to help them. I'd love to be able to give my father a hug and tell him that I care and that I'm there for him, but there has been so much pain between the two of us that I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him I love him again. It seems so childish and spiteful to say that, but at least it's him that I get the stubbornness from. It's not that I don't have compassion for my father, it's just that I don't really have the ability to express my compassion. This seems to be the same with the other people in my life that I know could use a helping hand or at least a hug. I'm not really in the best state to help people right now, I can't even help myself (I took all the liquor out of my room because I don't trust myself anymore). I just know that there is so much more that I should do to help the people I love that are in pain but all I am able to do right now is sit and watch. Even worse, with my one feeble attempt at helping I took so long to say anything and did so little I don't know if it made any impact at all. I think I may have even made things worse by creating tension in the situation. Only time will tell but I truly wish that I didn't have my arms tied behind my back right now. There are people that need me and I'm completely useless.
So those are my issues. They're a lot to deal with, or at least the seem like a lot to deal with right now. I know that I'm not the only person in the world with problems, but it's incredibly hard right now to not just shut down and stop doing anything and everything. I'd love to get on with my life, but things don't really seem to be improving.
I did mention that I don't really feel that the medication is helping. I've had a lot of good days since I started taking the medication, but I've also had a lot of bad days, really bad days. Around now, the 6 week point of taking the medication, it should be working. In fact if it isn't working by now, it may not work at all and I may need to switch to another. Well anyways in the last three weeks I've been quite bad. I've been crying a lot, for myself and for others. Also I've been spending a lot of money, and I really don't have much, especially considering I don't have a job and or plans to get one. Shopping therapy can only work if you can afford to keep shopping. Kinda like Heroin, it feels amazing so long as you can always get your fix, but it's just too expensive to sustain and one day you end up face in the gutter feeling like spiders are crawling under your skin... or something like that. The slightest thing can set me off lately. A couple weeks ago, a sarcastic comment by a very close friend almost made me fall to pieces. I absolutely felt as though the comment was said in utter seriousness. I felt hated, worthless and tiny, and nothing was even meant by it at all. Last night my ride was several hours late for a party at a friend's house and rather than call anyone to find out what was going on I began to convince myself that everyone had forgotten me. I got images of everyone having a grand old time entirely oblivious to the fact I wasn't there. I don't know why the ride was late, and I don't really care anymore, but I don't think I've ever felt as depressed, alone, meaningless and insignificant as I did for a couple hours last night. And the worst part is that my brain was playing a trick on me. I totally fabricated the incident and evidence and prevented myself from picking up the phone to get information and nearly fell completely apart emotionally and mentally. It was so past "sad" it verged on "frightening." The God's honest truth is that I searched out medical help because I was so terrified that I might try to kill myself, but I've thought about suicide more in the last couple weeks than I did before I got "help". On top of this all, the side effects of the medication seem to be carrying on in the form of severe insomnia. I've been sleeping about 4 to 5 hours per night and waking up about two to three times per hour. It got so bad that I bought some sleeping pills, which I'm terrified of taking (that's why I removed the liquor from easy reach). I think I've typed enough... more than enough. Same thing in the end.
Please don't freak out if you're reading this- I have no plan to commit suicide and at the moment I have no desire to make one. I have also never experimented with harming myself nor am I drinking alone or heavily or taking drugs. If you are concerned and would like to talk to me, I'm more than willing to have a chat with you, but I expect you to be open too. If I wanted a one way discussion about my problems only I'd go to therapy. Well that was good for a cry, and I needed the typing practice. Dianna, I may just stick to this whole blog thing. I really do feel better, even if I no one ever reads this.
Keep on trangling,
Anthony Pereira
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