Back in the glory days of highschool, somwhere near the end, in one of my clique's insane bids to keep busy during lunch, spare and/or skipped class, we somehow invented a religion. It was called simply, Umbreallaism. Our God was a red, child size Umbrella that had been a prop in a production of Oz a couple years earlier (Oh, I forgot to mention we were Drama geeks, and our offtime hangout was quite litterally, backstage).
Not unusally, I was something of the kingpin in our plans and swiftly declared myself the Prophet of the Umbrella. Only I could communicate with the umbrella, which I will say myself, came in rather handy. Before long, and not surprisingly, as we went to a Catholic school, our detractors came out of the woodwork to oppress us (See: Monty Python "Help! I'm being oppressed").
Teachers and fellow students asked us to stop practising our religion, but quoting the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, we refused. We continued to Worship the Umbrella, Annoint new followers by touching a small plastic flower (The Flower of Annointment) to their crotch, and to discuss how to best spread or message of Umbrellaism.
Our greatest detractor, who interestingly cared nothing of our blasphemy and just wanted to stir up shit, was our dear friend Victor. Soon Victor would gain the singular honour of becoming our Satan when he kidnapped our God and desecrated the Umbrella by breaking its limbs and removing its nylon shell from its skeleton. In an act of bravery, our dearer friend and fellow beleiver, Patrick rescued our Lord. I can't really piece it together, but somehow, we tricked Victor into beleiving that he was in trouble with the Community Liason Police Officer.
It wasn't all bad though, our God was a whole lot easier to carry around when it was just a piece of cloth. This was the Golden Age of Umbreallaism. Our Culture and Religion flourished. We named our first Saints, renamed the months (one was Smarch in an homage to the Simpsons), and created our first holidays. We even began to write our Commandments (Thou shalt toucheth the puss. Sorry, inside joke).
The Golden Age was not to last though. Something, who knows what, took our attention away. Probably some Coffee Shop, or Student Council related scandal, or maybe we were busy planning some event, or learning our blocking, or maybe we were busy thinking up new names for Catherine Carlson, the teacher/director from a rival school Grand River, after The Penguin, and Flying Monkey got boring.
In all, Umbrellaism lasted about four days. To me, this story is the epitome of highschool. Wacky, exclusive, intense, and just short enough to move on to the next thing before getting too bored.
Keep on Trangling,
Analanimalsex
20 comments:
the way you went on about this i assumed it went on for a whole school year, not just four days.
where did the umbrella shell end up?
I used my litterary mad stylez to trick the reader into beleiving it took place over a long period of time.
I assume God has been lost with the Flower of Annointment and hundreds of other artifacts from my weirdness in the annals of history.
Not everyone can say that they were the prophet of a god, even if for only four days. I'm proud to know you.
Lost to the analanimalsex of history.
A shame. A darn shame.
If you want another piece of fabric to worship, I have some rather satiny pieces you might find quite nice.
Where in Umbrellaism does analaminalsex fit in?
Shiny shorts!
To be fair, I don't think we were really a clique. We were just a group of kids who were too weird and obscure to fit in with anyone else. We welcomed all those who wanted to join us, but only those who were like us wanted to even attempt. Everyone else was to busy popping pills, getting knocked up or supping up their civics. I don't think any of us owned a car or even cared about what they drove (I drove a grey 1992 Jetta, standard and disel, for those in ciber space who care... and Anthony had perma shot gun)
I miss the golden days of the drama room... they really were some of the best times I had in high school.
Ah they Glory day. I can clear up the bit with involving a cop. So Patrick was fighting to get our Lord back I ended up assisting at some point but we created a rather large ruckus and Victor tried to get us in trouble with teh Drama teacher so we bolted out of the room . As we exited the room the cop was passing by so being kinda pissed that Victor tried to sell us out to the teacher I approached the cop asking him if he could part-take in a prank for vengence the cop agreed. Patrick and Myself enter the room again the cop following shortly after. The cop immediatly asks to speak to the teacher trying to be all discreat about it (keep in mind Patrick and I are the only ones who know whats going on). The cop asks the teacher to speak to Victor and Victor over hears this and begins to panic. the cop escorts him out of the room and reveals to him that this was simple vengence from us. Victor enters the room not impressed what we've just pulled but we definatly had a good laugh at his expence about it
Satany pieces? Excellent!
did you ever think of maybe - and I'm sorry if this is blasphemous - sharing the cloth of God with all of the apopstles / prophets?
You could still have had Him with you to this day, maybe a little piece of Him in a locket or something.
Sometimes I doubt your committment to Sparkle Motion!
i was thinking maybe this was fiction day for you too, but after hesring your friends talk about they were in it too...i was gonna say you are really something..., but the truth is it makes me sad becasue i miss high school...i was queen and all the lemings did what i said...that sounded bad...hmm, well, im too tired to explain.
ill send you some satin panties too if you'd like...which color would you like?
Loz- That was blasphemous. If I remember clearly, just about everything was. The whole sharing thing would have been a good idea had we not lost our God. We probably left Him out and a Janitor of Evil discarded Him.
Red- I rarely need fiction to entertain what with my well of strange goings-on. And I'll take the panties in black or red, the sexiest colours visible to man. Well men that aren't colour blind, cause then it'd be black and grey.
Hey! I offered you sexy things first! I was thinking of a bra or a teddy, though. Silky. And perfumed.
sorry ubie, i didn mean to step on your toes...ill back off and let you have your manslave back..
(anthony, how bout a red velvet teddy with matching panties?)
We'll compromise, Lil Red. I'll share him with you.
I'll send him silky and black, you send him red and velvet.
There. We all win when we cooperate.
Oh, I forgot. Analanimalsex.
ill send him the teddu i had animalanalsex in. crap, i screwed that one up. analanimalsex. k better.
oh, are we charging him for these because i know i spent alot of money on these fine undergarments.?
not the Janitor of Evil!!!
GASP!
I think lilred should send something in vinyl.
loz, are you picking on me? or do you know that i really do have something in vinyl?
i'm not picking on you!
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