I ran like an ugly kid from a dog catcher

I was tired from a late night AA meeting with Ubie, Nick and LMK. Get it, AA meeting? Yeah I know, not funny. Despite running on only about six hours of sleep, and skipping breakfast, my day started really well. The commute went amazingly smoothly with no traffic all the way there. I actually got there about an hour early, which gave me time to find the building and lecture hall.
My first class today was located in a brand-spanking-new building on the very large main campus of York. I immediately noticed two things about this new building. One, that it was clearly not quite finished, and that two, it appeared as though a 4 year old selected the colour scheme. Look at one wall, it's lime green, another fire engine red, another pale blue. The randomness is amazing. I would say though, that it is very well designed. Plenty of natural light, extra-extra high ceilings, neato curves and angles AND all those colours are uplifting...

The class was good. I knew it would be, how could anything titled Rock and Popular Music not be a thing of beauty? Another bonus, there will be no written assignments. This was, by far, the highlight of my day. I nearly had a fatal orgasm when I realised that instead of writing essays I got to listen to rock... not even the insanity that is the York bookstore could ruin my day. It was jam packed, York is Canada's second largest school, and the text and course kits are all sold out of a cramped, poorly lit basement.

I nearly missed the shuttle to the Glendon Campus but apparently York employs the one friendly bus driver in Ontario. He actually stopped when he saw me run after the bus. That's never happened to me before. I figured that if I kept trying, that my day would eventually come, but I never thought it would be at York of all places.

On the way to Glendon my Rolling Stone must have kept me very distracted, because though I was in a good mood all morning, as soon as I stepped off the bus and into the "Park-like surroundings" of Glendon I was immediately washed with wave after wave of bad memories and negative emotions. Maybe it was that I hadn't had anything to eat or drink in more than twelve hours other than a free mint I got in line at the bookstore, or maybe it was because I was tired, but it seems more likely that I didn't have quite as good a hold on my emotional state as I thought.

I ran into some people from first year, and though the conversations were friendly, they were incredibly awkward. I felt almost as though I had a "fragile; handle with care" sticker on my forehead. It wasn't much of a secret that I had gone through a total emotional breakdown, and because I just sort of disappeared and didn't return in the fall, people must have wondered what had happened to me. So really it's no wonder that anyone would be surprised to see me.

I had three hours to spare after my awkward conversations to just sit around and wait for my class. I got something to eat and sat outside with my new copy of the Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. About five pages into the novel I started feeling a large sense of panic. I really wasn't feeling comfortable in my surroundings. To distract myself I took a walk then tried to focus a bit more on the book, but it got worse and worse. So I did the only thing I know how to do when I am faced with an obstacle, I moved as quickly in the opposite direction as I could. I went home, and I didn't look back.

I have to be honest, I didn't want to take the class I was waiting for, and when I got home I switched it, but I did have a minor anxiety attack, and I handled it with my usual grace.

I spent the trip home really quite depressed. I wrote down these thoughts. I'm not sure if they are lyrics, or a poem or just random ideas, but here they are.

I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life
I'm going to have to deal with this until I die

My heart's broken
My mind's a mess

Being here makes me tremble, makes me sick

familiar faces with sideways looks
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say

All this shit is really too much for me

Keep on Tranglin,

Anthony