A letter to a deadbeat roommate who owes me money

Our roommate moved out a while ago and the guy she found to take over for her has turned out to be a total nightmare. This letter is what I would like to post on his door Martin Luther style.

Dear Johnathan,

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the dishes, cutlery and cookware have been removed from the kitchen. This is due to your ongoing inability to properly wash the dishes that you have used, none of which, of course, belong to you. I have left a bowl you washed which seems to be still be coated in dried milk and a frying pan which appears to have some sort of ground meat still stuck to it in the cupboard as examples of your workmanship.

This action is part of a larger apartment-wide policy that brings to an end the practice of openly sharing our belongings. Going forward, you will no longer have access to any item that belongs to either Siobhan or me. The fixed shared amenities, which are a part of the apartment and you will continue to have unfettered access to are the following:

Refrigerator
Oven
Kitchen sink
Kitchen Counter
Kitchen Cupboards
Toilet
Shower and bathtub
Bathroom sink

For obvious logistical purposes you will continue to have limited access to the bathmat and shower curtain, which belong to Siobhan and myself respectively.

As a courtesy I have outlined the following good and bad examples to explain this policy:

Example 1

You wake up in the morning and have a shower. You then retrieve your can of beans from the cupboard.

Example 2

After getting your beans from the cupboard you place the can on Siobhan’s kitchen table, sit on one of my chairs and begin eating with Siobhan’s fork. You are unable to finish all of your beans so you take some of my plastic wrap to cover the open can top. After that you decide to relax on siobhan’s couch and watch a movie on my television.

Example 1 is the “good” example. In this situation you use only the fixed shared amenities of the apartment and your own belongings. However, in Example 2, the table, chair, fork, plastic wrap, couch and television are neither your own personal property nor the fixed shared amenities of the apartment. Example 2.1 shows how you can easily remedy the problem:

Example 2.1

After getting your beans from the cupboard you place the can on a cardboard box you found on the street, sit on the floor and begin eating with your hand. You are unable to finish all of your beans so you use the shirt you wore the day before to cover the open can top. After that you decide to relax on the toilet and weep.

I likely don’t need to tell you, but you will probably want to pick up some necessities from a local retailer. At minimum I think you might want to buy some dishes, utensils, cookware and cups and some toilet paper. Otherwise you might be presented with difficulties when attempting to perform such simple tasks as drinking a glass of water or taking a shit.

As far as the rent is concerned, please feel free to pay at your earliest convenience. Sure I was angry when you hadn’t paid by the second of the month and I was forced to pay your rent for you, but now that it is the sixth and you are still living here on my dime you must figure I’ve become totally cool with your financial unreliability and continued personal determination to take advantage of me and Siobhan.

Yours always,
Anthony

P.S.

Please remove the items from your room that belong to Siobhan and me. There are some small things which are unaccounted for which we figure you must have accidentally brought into your room and forgotten about. Specifically Siobhan’s coffee thermos and assorted other dishes and my Rolling Stone magazine which used to be in the magazine rack in the washroom. On second thought, I seem to remember it was the Britney Spears issue, so you can probably go ahead and keep that.

P.P.S.

Perhaps in future you should consider keeping your prescription medications in a more private space. I nearly died of asphyxiation several days ago when I glanced down while brushing my teeth and had a severe laughing fit when I noticed your Cialis. It really was dangerously early for such a large dose of shadenfreude.