fire escape plan

Toronto's Most Eligible Bachelor, our Hep C-having roomie moved out at the beginning of the month. Our new roommate's mom, concerned about her daughter's safety wanted us to discuss our fire preparedness plans. I have drawn up the following ACTION! plan.

• Don't have no fires.
• If you have fires, keep them in a garbage can (make sure the garbage can isn't made of fancy wood).
• If your fires are in a wood garbage can, put the can in the bath, but not if the bath tub is flammable. Check with your bath tub manufacturer for the flammability rating of your home's bath tub.
• Always keep a working fire extinguisher in a conspicuous place. By fire extinguisher I don't mean an illegal immigrant with a bucket of water waiting in your pantry at all hours, ready to leap out at the first sign of ignition. Not all fires can be doused with water, so this is very important.
• Keep your George Foreman Grill away from curtains and out of reach of any children who might be playing with cooking oil.
• If you smoke, don't do it in your bed unless you just did it, cause that is what they do in movies.
• Always have a working smoke detector. Like your fire extinguisher you shouldn't use an illegal immigrant to do this job. He might fall asleep.
• When your smoke detector goes off or at the first sign of smoke, spark or flame make sure to clear all the illegal immigrants out of your house. You don't want their dead bodies linked to you in any sort of investigation or tribunal.
• Fire can be your friend but you must respect it. It's kind of like a kid with a learning disability. It can be lots of fun, but you should probably be careful around it because it is very unpredictable and doesn't know what it is doing and might hurt you or give you a disease.