Well things don't seem so incredibly hopeless anymore. I guess that is good. I am a bit worried though that it might just be a placebo effect from starting a new anti-depressant. That happened with the Effexor too. I felt a bit better the two weeks right after I started taking it, but it takes at least three weeks for it start working. So yeah hopefully I am actually kicking this depression and not just feeling better at the prospect of a medication making everything better. But in the long run, feeling better is feeling better is it not? Stupid human brains being too complex for medical science to understand. The answer is Jesus... I mean Finland. Whatever.
I cleaned my room today. That was fun. I reorganized my books and now I look incredibly literate. I have three shelves full of books, then I have a bunch of books on a small table by my door, and on the floor by the table is a stack of books. There are two more stacks of books right next to each other in another corner and I have a bunch of my favorite books and others on my computer desk. It's my dream to one day be some old guy that is really well read that wears cardigans and yells at children. The random stacks of books are just one part of my journey to achieving that goal. I just took some pictures of various interesting things in my room. I'll add them to the bottom of the entry.
On we trudge... my loneliness. So yeah at the very least it doesn't feel like I'm going to be alone forever anymore. No more visions of myself as a senior with no family of his own, not because I outlived them, but because I never had one. I think the worst part now is the "third-wheel" factor. The only thing worse than being the third wheel is being the fifth, seventh or so on forever wheel. I think you really don't realize quite how alone you are until you see how together others are. So I can either hate everyone that is happy and a couple, or I can become a happy couple, or at least half of one. One problem though... I hate the search. I wish that we could have some form of government system that set everyone up in couples. That would make things a lot more tolerable. I think the problem is that at heart I am highly annoyed by most people. I may be "outgoing" at times, but I'm really an introvert. Or maybe I'm just socially inept. Probably both. Yeah so I don't really want to "date" in the sense that I don't particularly enjoy meeting new people. It's always a frustrating ordeal for me. Instead of dating I'm going to wait for a woman to fall into my lap (literally or figuratively, it's up to you God). As a back-up I'll post my personal ad here:
SWM 20 Looking for long-term relationship. Enjoys beer and being mopey. Not particularly affectionate or romantic, but a good listener and very sensitive. Must like: television, my friends. If you have a vagina (preferably one you were born with), are single, approximately 20 (over 19 or have fake ID), not "fugly" or a member of Amnesty International please drop me a line at degrassifan1@hotmail.com.
So those are my pictures of my room. The music switched from Monty Python to The Music as I was writing (next in alphabetical order in winamp. Actually Motley Crue GirlsGirlsGirls was between the two, but that isn't the point) [woah, inappropriate gross misuse of parenthesis or what? teehee]. Well my point is that I have never actually listened to The Music before. It's been on my computer since Brandon leant me his CD in res. in September, but I've never really felt compelled to listen to it. Well it is clearly rock, but the song "The People" has some definite "electronic" (if you will) influences. I am impressed at how seamlessly the two genres have been combined in this song (it does, however, remain rock, in my humble opinion). What I'm saying in my incredibly long-winded English Major way is that I like the song, muchly.
Keep on Trangling,
Anthony Pereira
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