After a brief respite from my feelings of loneliness and uselessness from Friday evening to Wednesday morning, I have returned again to my depression. I should have written an entry while I was feeling good, but it didn't feel necessary then. Hopefully this is only temporary though, because I switched anti-depressants on Tuesday. Now I'm on Wellbutrin so to hellbutrin with the Effexor. Wow that joke was so awful I think I'm going to have to spend extra time in purgatory because of it. My depression seems to be different this week than it was in the last two weeks. I think I may actually be starting to come out of it. I've actually been worrying about school and money again, which is not necessarily good, but it's one step closer to normal than not caring about those things at all.
I've continued with my reading on depression. I'm reading "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns. It's basically self-help therapy. It is based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which suggests that it is our own thoughts that cause our negative feelings and not actual events. The idea is to learn to identify your negative thoughts and through practice and activities change unrealistic negative thoughts to realistic ones. So far I've only read far enough to start to be able to identify my negative thoughts. It turns out I blame myself for things that I have no control over and that my bad combination of perfectionism and low self-esteem have been preventing me from taking risks because of the possibility of failure or rejection. It's a bit comforting to know what my thoughts are doing to me, but I can't wait to read further to learn how to change my thoughts to more realistic and positive ones. I really like the idea of therapy from a book, or bibliotherapy as entomologists might call it. It certainly has fewer side-effects than medication- this new medication seems to be a nice mixture of stimulation, nausea, sore throat and restless muscles. However they'll probably go away after a couple weeks like most of the side-effects of the effexor other than insomnia. It also costs a lot less than medication. My parents have full drug coverage from work, but if they didn't and I had to pay for it I would have already spent over $250 on medication that I've been on less than two months. Real talk therapy is probably a lot more effective than any book, but I don't really like the idea of group therapy which seems incredibly intrusive, or one-on-one therapy which to me is daunting and feels like an interrogation. The book is helpful because it leads me to discover things on my own rather than pulling things out of me against my will. I should definitely be more open to one-on-one therapy considering the severity of my depression but I have such a hard time talking to people I love I don't know if I'd be able to be open and honest with a complete stranger.
That's enough for me today. I'll probably write again this weekend to make up for not writing for a week.
Keep on trangling,
Anthony Pereira
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